“Will I be half the woman I used to be?”
There is certain news you never want to hear. Mine was, “your best choice is to have a hysterectomy.” A hysterectomy, at 36 and no children.
Since I was 23 years old, I’ve been struggling with reproductive issues. I’ve had endometriosis flareups, and I lost my left ovary due to an endometrioma at 25. A normal ovary should measure around 2 cm. My ovary was 12 cm when it was removed, and it was pushing all my organs to the right side of my body. It was super painful.
After all these years of going through all sorts of reproductive issues, fibroids, pain, hormone replacement treatments, miscarriage, finally, I heard the heartbreaking news that I should get my uterus completely removed… by 4 different doctors.
I felt like I lost the battle…
I think that there are so many women going through what I’m going through right now, so many women who want to have kids and were given no other option but to give up on that dream.
What happens now? Do I lose my ‘womanhood’? Will the hysterectomy make me feel ‘different’? Or it will make me feel better, relieved, and free of pain. How will it change me? One of my doctors said some of her patients were so happy after the procedure that they walked into her office doing cartwheels. I also read about many women going into depression after…
With all the baby announcements the exciting news of pregnancy from my friends, it’s hard to know how to feel sometimes. Though I am filled with joy for them (some of them were battling with their own share of fertility troubles), it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that I cannot give birth or carry a normal pregnancy. Because, as a woman, it’s what I’m supposed to do; have a baby. That’s what I was born to do or at least one of the things I was born to do as a woman. But when you have a uterus that doesn’t function as it should, it is difficult to accept it. You feel like there’s something wrong with you, that maybe you are not fit to be a mother. Those thoughts creep in, and they can be hard to deal with.
Then you hear the word “hysterectomy”, and you know it’s the end of the line.
It’s a tough road. My feelings about this procedure change every day. Somedays, I feel like it will bring me so much relief that I will finally be able to live a normal life, free from fibroids and endometriosis. I’ll be able to bend down to tie my shoes, run faster and wear fitted jeans. But then somedays, my heart breaks, and I keep asking myself why. Why do I have to go through this? Is this really my journey? Is this what I’m supposed to go through? And as I start thinking about it, I crumble. Then I feel a little better the next day. It’s a never-ending circle of emotions.
Last week, after back-to-back doctor’s appointments, lots of prayers, and support from our church, I decided to give the holistic route another try. I’ve done this in the past, and I was able to shrink 4 fibroids down to 0, which left my doctor speechless. But this time, it will be a much more challenging task due to the size and amount of fibroids I have now. One of my fibroids is the size of a large grapefruit. But it doesn’t hurt to try.
Sometimes I think these fertility issues are meant to teach me a lesson. To teach me to take better care of my body, to take care of my mind so that I can heal from the inside out. And to maybe help someone along the way. Maybe somebody will hear my story and feel like there is hope out there. And that they are not alone. Regardless of how my journey ends, with healing naturally or hysterectomy. As hard as it is to understand why this is our journey, I like to think that God uses stories like ours to help others. In today’s world, many women are having fertility issues; many women are having hysterectomies, and a lot of women are miscarrying. It’s heartbreaking when you look at the statistics.
Fortunately, if it all fails, I believe that there are still options out there, such as adoption and surrogacy, which I never considered before, but are now definitely on the table when the time is right. And this might not be for everyone, which is completely understandable. And regardless of options, always remember; your feelings are valid, whatever they are. Grieve, cry, be upset. This is rough terrain. You will need plenty of support to get through, and even then, it might not be enough. Because you are the only person that knows what you are going through. And that can feel quite lonely. So talk to yourself gently every day and love yourself harder. Understand truly that you are no less because of your ability to have a baby. You’re still a whole woman, an incredible woman, and your fertility hiccups will not define you. Whichever path you must go through, it will end up in a beautiful destination. And you will tell the world about it.
Diana says
So mUch love for you girl yoUre An Inspiration